Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Knitting Confessional

Welcome to the December edition of The Knitting Confessional. As the World's Worst Knitter, I feel compelled to lay out my screw-ups for ridicule and as an act of contrition. This month's confession addresses the act of frogging or, more accurately, the de-construction of a really crappy garment.

EXHIBIT A: The Garment

I started knitting this vest...hell, I don't remember when. I thought it would be a great first garment project. Here are the specs:
The Pattern: SeaBreeze from "Knitter's Magazine" Spring 2005 edition.
The Needles: Size 13
The Yarn: Knit Picks "Wool of the Andes" in Cranberry.
Let's think about the name of this pattern. SeaBreeze. I smell sea salt and feel the sun. Don't you? Did you believe for one minute that The World's Worst Knitter would make this sucker as suggested? Hell no! Instead, I thought it might make a cute winter vest. The 3 days of cold we get here in South Texas are perfect for a little number like this. Throw it on over a tee, slap on your shit-kickers and you have yourself one hot cowgirl. At the very least you have a cowgirl that looks like she raided Granny's closet. This turned out Granny. Big Granny. Granny with a capital G.
Exhibit B: A comedy of errrorrs.
I did not even make the attempt to check the gauge. How on earth could I retain my title as The World's Worst Knitter if I checked the gauge on every little thing I knit? Especially something as little as a piece of clothing. Notice the lovely eyelet pattern. Cute, huh? Pretty simple, too. I bet that it would have looked really cool and perhaps less Granny if I'd checked the gauge, used better yarn, anything. Nah. On second thought I think this vest would have sucked like a fashionless blackhole no matter what I did.

Exhibit C: I am undone.
This is all that remains of my ugly vest. Well, this giant ball and 2 small skeins of the same yarn. Pretty swell, if you ask me. It's just screaming to be made into a scarf for a niece or nephew. Or maybe I'll let it age in my stash until I'm struck stupid by another idea.

A lesson can be gleaned from every knitting tragedy and as a continuation of penance, here are the lessons I learned:
1. Gauge. Sort of a giant "DUH", don't ya think?
2. I learned the 3 needle bind off. Too bad it didn't stop the sucking/Granny effect.
3. Recycle, reuse. I'm feeling very environmentally friendly since I didn't set fire to the vest.

Anyone else out there feel the need to confess? Come on. The booth is warm and cozy, I've got my nice starched collar on and confession is good for the soul. Join in the fun.


Anonymous Dianna said...

You missed the opportunity to use the vest as the screen dealie whopper in the confessional!

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Welcome to the club of people who cannot knit garments. Let's see there is the yarn that has been 2 different tanks - the yarn is the one that sucks, not the knitter. Then there is the same tank top that I knit 2x in 2 different sizes and both times it came out as a too tight wife beater. I now stick to Clapotis, scarves and wraps and the occasional purse.


6:08 AM  
Anonymous kelly said...

want to hear a confession? here it goes, despite my better judgement and several knitting failures, i STILL don't check my gauge like i should. how many hail marys do i get for that? honestly, why can't reading the label count as checking your gauge?

anyway, you're totally not alone. i'm knitting a scarf that was once a crappy sweater made 5 or 6 years ago.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

At least you knit. I, on the other hand, look longingly at my needles, wondering if I have wasted my money. Really, how hard can knitting garters be? Apparently a 2 in by 3 ft length of knitting is more difficult than I imagined.


12:17 PM  

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